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How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent
Children raised by a narcissistic parent often deal with a range of issues that can follow them through adulthood, including poor self-esteem, people pleasing, and codependency. Creating boundaries around a narcissistic parent is key to healing and moving forward.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition in which someone is extremely motivated by their own self-image and self-preservation. People with NPD often have a very high sense of self-importance, lack empathy, and will put themselves above the feelings of others, even their children.
What to Do If You Have a Narcissistic Parent
The dynamic between child and parent can often be inherently challenging, and introducing a mental health condition such as NPD only compounds the issue. That said, there’s no “right” answer for how to deal with a narcissistic parent.
For some, this may mean completely eliminating or drastically limiting contact. For others, it may mean maintaining the relationship but stepping back emotionally. Here are some strategies to consider.
- Ceasing all contact: One way to deal with a narcissistic parent is to remove yourself from the relationship entirely. It’s a helpful option if you’ve already made many attempts to salvage the relationship with zero improvement, and you need to protect yourself. “If you feel that [the relationship] is negatively impacting your mental health—you are becoming fearful, depressed, or panicked during interactions—stop contact at least until you seek professional support for yourself and can come up with a game plan,” says Rachel Ruiz, LCSW,
- Limiting contact: Limited contact may mean getting together only on special occasions like a holiday or birthday, limiting the time you communicate via phone or text, or shortening visits. Having “buffer people” present when spending time with a narcissistic parent can help things go more smoothly, as can participating in an enjoyable activity. Planning self-care following a visit can also help you decompress.
- Maintaining communication: It’s OK to maintain communication with a narcissistic parent if that’s something you feel comfortable with. That said, whether you decide to move to limited contact or continue engaging per usual, it’s important to create some clear boundaries and adjust your mindset with a narcissistic parent.
How to Set Boundaries If You Stay in Contact
Here are some techniques and strategies that can help your interactions go more smoothly:
- Reframe the relationship as different compared to others in your life. “You may not be able to share intimate thoughts and feelings, but you can still enjoy time together and appreciate the positive qualities of your parent,” says Ruiz.
- Recognize their illness. It’s easier said than done, but try to avoid absorbing hurtful words or actions from a narcissistic parent. This is a reflection of them and their illness, and what they say to you or how they act toward you isn’t rooted in reality.
- Focus on what works in your interactions. Are they thoughtful with gifts? Do they appreciate getting a card in the mail? Do you have a shared interest? Focus on the parts of your relationship where you can connect in a meaningful way.
- Be cautious when delivering feedback. Delivering criticism to a narcissistic parent can trigger a fight or outburst of narcissistic rage. Be aware that this reaction is possible and prepare yourself in advance.
- Communicate clear boundaries. It’s OK to draw clearly defined boundaries around your relationship to create a sense of what’s acceptable and what’s not. For example, communicate that you retain the right to walk away or take a pause from the relationship when there’s an outburst, negative talk, character attacks, or other unhealthy behaviors.
- Avoid the “who’s right or wrong” fight. “Don’t spend time deciding who’s right or wrong,” Ruiz cautions. “For example, if a narcissistic parent reneges on an agreement, you can say something like ‘Let’s avoid this in the future by communicating by email.'” In other scenarios, it may be best just to drop the conversation entirely. Decide in advance what you will go to bat for and what you are OK with letting go.
- Validate their feelings and quickly move on. It’s usually not worth getting into an argument with a narcissistic parent. For example, if they complain about someone after a family gathering, you can say something like, “That sounds upsetting. I want to hear more about what you liked about the event.”
How to Spot a Narcissistic Parent
It is sometimes hard to spot a narcissistic parent—especially narcissistic parents of young children who cannot express themselves—because they tend to control the image of their parenting very well. As the child gets older, though, signs often become more apparent. Ruiz says that in her experience, these are some of the most common behaviors of a narcissistic parent:
- Talking exclusively about themselves and their accomplishments as a parent
- Reminding you often about all the things they’ve done for you, especially in a way that’s manipulative or used as leverage in a situation
- Having consistently low tolerance when your needs get in the way of their own, which may result in anger outbursts or temper tantrums
- Dismissing when you communicate day-to-day struggles and redirecting the conversation back to themselves
- Making expectations a “moving target” so that it becomes almost impossible to satisfy them or earn their approval. Once you meet an expectation, another one is set without recognition of the accomplishment
- Taking the “spotlight” away from you when others give you attention or praise
- Being inattentive or detached
- Expecting you to adapt to their needs and schedule regardless of what’s going on in your life
- Demonstrating an inability to receive constructive criticism or feedback, or later denying having the discussion
- Being unable to apologize or take responsibility for their actions, even when you’ve brought up something that hurt or offended you
- Complaining often that you or others are the problem, instead of taking responsibility for hurtful actions
- Demonstrating a pattern of poor relationships with not just their children, but with others in their lives, including partners, colleagues, and friends
A Note About “Diagnosing” NPD in Others
Narcissism can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional following an assessment of someone’s biological, social, and psychological factors. That said, many people with narcissistic personality disorder won’t ever be formally diagnosed due to the nature of their condition.
“It can help to recognize when a parent may have NPD so you can understand how to interact with them,” says Ruiz. She adds, “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) notes that NPD is a ‘pervasive pattern,’ so you would want to notice that these cues are ongoing and impact the overall quality of the relationship.”
How a Narcissistic Parent Might Affect You
Narcissistic parents consistently fail to engage in empathy or compassion with their children, which can have negative impacts that last into adulthood.
Fawn Response
Also referred to as “people pleasing,” fawning is one of the most common coping mechanisms people experience when raised by narcissistic parents.
“Fawn response is when you appease the ‘threat’ by befriending them, so you can reduce the chance of becoming a target,” notes Ruiz. “Narcissistic parents are very difficult to please, and we all have a natural drive to gain approval from our parents.”
This can show up as an inability to say no without feeling guilt, being overly accommodating to the point your needs are neglected, and having poor boundaries.
Mimicking
It is also possible, while living with a narcissistic parent, to cope by mimicking the parent’s behavior. The child may attempt to make themselves just as important as the parent.
“This is completely understandable [because] it’s common to protect yourself with a ‘fight’ response, which can look like defensiveness or arguing,” says Ruiz. “Rest assured, it’s normal to get caught up in the narcissistic dynamic, and if you notice this happening, it may be a sign to take a break from interacting with the parent in order to get support for yourself.”
Poor Self-Esteem
A narcissistic parent’s behavior can greatly impact their child’s self-esteem. They may find it difficult to celebrate their achievements, experience “imposter syndrome,” have a difficult time making friends, and have negative thoughts about themselves. Some children of narcissistic parents also struggle with anxiety, sadness, and depression.
Key Takeaways
- Dealing with a narcissistic parent is extremely challenging. It requires strong boundaries and may mean limiting contact, ending contact altogether, or finding ways to protect your well-being if you stay in touch.
- Narcissistic parents often engage in pervasive patterns of control, manipulation, and lack of empathy that can affect self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional development.
- Whether you decide to cease the relationship or maintain it, remember to take care of yourself first. Also, know that you can love this person and care about them without bending over backwards to create a strong relationship.
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8 Best Online Therapy Platforms That Take Insurance
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There is nothing more important in therapy than establishing a rapport with your provider. This means developing a bond that includes trust and emotional intimacy, all while making you feel comfortable opening up and sharing parts of yourself that you might not have shared with anyone else in your life. Being able to choose your own therapist helps create such rapport before you even start.
After signing up for Amwell’s services, you are able to view the bios of all the providers who are licensed in your area. You can filter the search results by details such as specialty (for example, one of my testers was looking specifically for postpartum services) and learn more about each therapist’s education, professional experience, and treatment approach before choosing the provider who’s best for you—and who is in-network with your insurance.
My eight Amwell testers were especially happy with being able to pick their own therapist, as this made them feel involved in their own therapy process and confident that the person they chose would be right for them. One tester in particular appreciated that she was able to find a BIPOC therapist—and not only that, she had five to choose from in her list of 16 options. Having this much of a say when deciding who to work with is especially important for people in marginalized communities, such as BIPOC and LGBTQIA+, because they can more easily find someone who makes them feel safe, which is necessary in therapy.
Fourteen percent of the 100 Amwell users I surveyed said that, when compared to other services they’d used, Amwell was the best for being able to choose their own therapist. Eighty-six percent rated Amwell’s value for the money as excellent or very good.
“Five out of the 16 available therapists were BIPOC providers. Though I didn’t find a BIPOC provider that matched my availability, I appreciated the variety. There was also an option to message the therapist, which I found great. It was nice to know that I could message the therapist to ask some questions before moving forward with scheduling an appointment.”
–Amwell tester who appreciated her choices when picking a provider
Although Amwell both accepts insurance and lets you choose your own therapist, you don’t have access to either a list of insurance plans it takes or a list of providers until you sign up for the company. It would be helpful to many therapy seekers if both of these important aspects of Amwell’s service were available up front.
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Is Public Display of Affection Good for Your Relationship?
A public display of affection (PDA) is any act of intimacy between a couple that is in view of others. Hugging, kissing, or holding your partner’s hand in public are some examples of PDA. Sharing a private, intimate moment in a public forum such as social media can also be a form of PDA.
PDA can be a controversial subject. While some people support it and think it’s romantic, others disapprove of it and find it inappropriate and unnecessary.
Examples of Public Displays of Affection
Public displays of affection can be expressed in many ways. Some may be more overt (think kissing or hugging in public) while others may be more subtle (like holding hands or touching someone on the back).
A few common examples of PDA include:
- Holding hands with your partner
- Kissing their lips, cheek, forehead, neck, or hand
- Hugging, holding, or cuddling them
- Touching or stroking them
- Playing with their fingers or hair
- Massaging their shoulders, back, hands, or feet
- Putting your arms around their waist or shoulder
- Feeding them a bite of food
- Holding them close while dancing
- Sitting on their lap
- Whispering in their ear
- Gazing into their eyes
- Winking at them
- Blowing them a kiss
- Telling them you love them
- Complimenting them
What Is the Psychology of Couples Who Show PDA?
There’s no single “type” of person or couple who more commonly engages in public displays of affection. Instead, there are several explanations for why couples may choose to show their affection publicly, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships.
According to Dr. Romanoff, people may be more likely to engage in PDA when they are in certain stages or forms of relationships, such as:
- Early stage relationship: PDA is often a sign that a couple is in the early phase of their relationship, and they are excited and eager to be together.
- Secure relationship: PDA can also reflect a couple that is secure and confident in their relationship. It is a tangible representation of the connection partners feel for each other and provides a powerful and public sense of validation.
- Insecure relationship: For some, the opposite could be true, as PDA could be a way to overcompensate for feelings of insecurity in the relationship or a way to signal to other people that they are more connected than they might actually be.
- Intense relationship: People who engage in PDA might also be in intense relationships. They tend to describe the time spent with their partner as if they are living in a bubble. This effect often occurs early in relationships, where people develop tunnel vision for their partner and have an intense physical pull towards them.
Benefits of PDA in a Relationship
While public displays of affection can sometimes create mixed reactions, PDA can have many benefits in a relationship. There can be meaningful benefits for both partners, from reinforcing emotional bonds to improving feelings of security.
According to Dr. Romanoff, PDA:
- Builds intimacy: Emphasizing your bond in public settings signals that you actively want your partner and that they are important and valuable to you. It helps build affection, intimacy, and closeness in the relationship.
- Improves bonding: Human touch is a powerful medium for bonding with your partner. Being affectionate can cause you both to experience a spike of oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
- Reduces stress: Touch can also improve stress levels. It can reassure your partner of your connection and even reduce their levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.
- Breaks taboos: Choosing to display affection towards your partner publicly can send a powerful message about how you are uninhibited by conventional social norms. PDA is still taboo in many cultures, which further exacerbates the excitement of these moments.
Research shows that being in an affectionate relationship is associated with greater happiness and relationship satisfaction; whereas, being with a partner who is ambivalent or antagonistic is linked to stress, anxiety, and depression.
How PDA Might Negatively Impact Your Relationship
Although public displays of affection can strengthen some relationships and foster greater closeness, PDA isn’t always beneficial. For some people, it can lead to tension or discomfort. If PDA feels forced, inappropriate, or excessive, it can contribute to embarrassment, misunderstandings, and even arguments.
These are some ways that PDA could negatively impact your relationship, according to Dr. Romanoff.
Highlights Differences in Values
Some partners do not have compatible preferences when it comes to PDA. For example, while some people are comfortable being openly affectionate with their partners, many people are more private with their relationships and prefer not to be too “touchy-feely” in front of others. This can happen for many reasons, but it often has something to do with their upbringing, family culture, or social norms.
Having different values or preferences around PDA can harm the relationship, particularly if one person is trying to be affectionate and the other person is rebuffing their advances, which could be compounded by the public aspect of the interaction.
Creates Reputational Hazards
Many people fear the consequences of damaging their reputation both socially and professionally, especially when public displays of affection could be easily photographed and shared.
This can affect the relationship because some people conflate their partner’s fears with the erroneous belief that their partner doesn’t want them or is not proud of their relationship.
What Level of PDA Is Acceptable?
What counts as an acceptable level of PDA can vary widely depending on the situation, the culture, and personal comfort levels. Understanding these boundaries is essential in order to show affection in ways that are respectful and appropriate, both for each partner but also for those around them.
Some things to consider that may affect how acceptable public displays of affection may be include:
- Cultural factors: Some cultures tend to be conservative and discourage or even prohibit public displays of affection. On the other hand, some cultures may encourage affectionate behaviors.
- Social context: PDA may be more acceptable in some spaces and social situations than others. For instance, kissing your partner in a bar may be socially acceptable, but not in your workplace.
- Minority stress: Certain minority groups, such as LGBTQIA+ people, for example, may not feel safe and comfortable showing their affection for their partners publicly due to perceived or internalized stigma. Even though they may want to be affectionate, they may feel like they have to be more vigilant in public.
- Family upbringing: Your parents’ values can also influence your views on PDA. For instance, having parents who are affectionate with each other can teach you to be more loving toward your partner.
- Personal preferences: Your personal preferences can also play a role in determining whether or not you’re comfortable with PDA and what you find acceptable.
Misconceptions About PDA
Unfortunately, public displays of affection are also often the subject of assumptions and stereotypes. Some common misconceptions that surround PDA in relationships include the ideas that:
PDA Is Inappropriate
While it’s true that some cultures, societies, or individuals frown upon certain types of PDA, there is no universal rule that dictates what is acceptable or inappropriate. What is considered acceptable in one context may not be in another, and vice versa.
PDA Is a Sign of Insecurity
Some people assume that couples who engage in PDA are trying to prove something to others or show off their relationship. While this may be true in some cases, it’s not always the case. For some couples, PDA is simply a way to express their love and affection for each other, and it has nothing to do with other people’s opinions.
PDA Is Only for New Relationships
It’s common to see couples engaging in PDA during the early stages of their relationship when they are still feeling that new relationship energy, but this doesn’t mean that it has to stop once the relationship becomes more established. Many people are affectionate toward their partners even in long-term relationships.
PDA Is Always Sexual
While some forms of PDA, such as kissing or touching, may be sexual in nature, not all PDA is sexual. Holding hands, hugging, or simply standing close to each other is affectionate but not necessarily sexual.
Lack of PDA Means Something Is Wrong
Some people are more private and prefer not to show affection publicly. They may still have a healthy and strong relationship, but may choose to be intimate only when they’re alone.
How to Talk to Your Partner About PDA
If you and your partner are not on the same page about PDA, you may wonder how to talk to them about it. Dr. Romanoff shares some strategies that can come in handy while you have this conversation:
- Discuss what it means to each of you: Find a neutral time to discuss what PDA means to each of you. People typically assign different meanings to these behaviors and it’s important to understand what they represent to your partner and how to get those underlying needs met in a way that feels comfortable to both of you.
- Work on finding a middle ground: Productive conversations involve identifying a comfort zone for behaviors and situations that you both agree are acceptable. Remember that the goal of the conversation is not to assign a winner and loser, but instead to reach a compromise where both people feel they are being heard and are getting their needs met.
- Be patient with your partner: It’s important to understand and accept where your partner is at with PDA and give them space to get more comfortable with it over time. Often, our feelings toward PDA are formed over our lifetime, and it could take some time for them to slowly change.
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How to Read, Remember, and Focus When You Have ADHD
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ADHD is a form of neurodivergence that can sometimes make reading more difficult. For both children and adults with ADHD, staying focused while reading can be difficult. It can also be challenging to comprehend and retain the information that was read.
Reading tasks may feel like they take forever, especially if you are finding that you have to read and re-read (and re-read again) to process the information accurately.
Problems with reading can be frustrating and may lead people to worry that they will fail in school or struggle in the workplace. Fortunately, there are many tried-and-true strategies to help overcome reading problems.
Reading Issues in Children With ADHD
ADHD can contribute to reading comprehension issues in children with ADHD. Since reading plays such a pivotal role in a child’s life, particularly at school, these issues can also impact a child’s grades and self-esteem.
Characteristics of ADHD that can contribute to reading issues include:
Inattention
Kids who have difficulty focusing often struggle to sustain attention while reading. They might get distracted, skip text, miss important details, and struggle to stay on task. Such challenges may be more pronounced when kids are bored or tired.
Issues With Working Memory
ADHD can lead to differences in executive function, which involves cognitive skills needed to manage different behaviors. This includes working memory, which is a temporary storage that holds information people need when engaging in a task such as reading. To comprehend and mentally manipulate information a child has read, they need to be able to store, retrieve and apply the information they have read.
Hyperactivity and Impulsivity
Kids with ADHD may also struggle to sit still for long periods of time. They may fidget and seem to be constantly in motion, which can make it harder to focus on what they are reading.
Strategies That Improve Reading Comprehension
Treatment approaches that focus on helping kids manage their ADHD traits have been found to improve reading skills. Traditional treatments typically rely on stimulant or non-stimulant medications.
Some tactics that can help boost reading comprehension for kids and adults with ADHD include:
- Try interest-based reading: People with ADHD sometimes hyperfocus on topics that they find particularly fascinating. Take advantage of this by looking for reading material aligned with those interests.
- Preview the reading material: Another tactic that can boost comprehension is previewing what you will read before you do a more thorough read-through. Reading the title, headings, subheadings, bolded text, and summaries can help people form a mental map of the material, making understanding it a bit easier.
- Engage with the text: Highlighters, sticky notes, and annotations can also help people with ADHD stay more focused on the material.
Other strategies that can help improve reading skills include:
- Reading together
- Minimizing outside distractions
- Giving children books about topics they enjoy
- Teaching techniques like underlining and highlighting
- Asking questions while reading
- Taking notes
There is no one-size-fits-all approach. Experimenting with different strategies and being supportive can help your child figure out what reading strategies work best for them.
Reading Issues for Adults With ADHD
Adults with ADHD also face some of the same issues with reading. While research on reading issues for adults with ADHD is limited, several issues could be at play.
It is not unusual to become derailed by internal thoughts or external distractions, particularly when reading something uninteresting or downright boring. You may frequently find that you are losing your place or skipping words in longer passages because you are visually distracted by all the words on the page.
You may have trouble identifying and remembering the main points of what you’ve just read. You may simply zone out and become bored or sleepy while reading.
How to Remember What You Read
Try one or more of these strategies to help you stay focused and attentive so that you can remember what you’ve read. Experiment to see what helps you.
Reading Strategies
- Read aloud instead of silently. This may take longer, but it will help you to focus on each word.
- Take brief breaks for movement. Research suggests that physical activity can help people manage ADHD traits and improve cognitive functions.
- Talk about what you have just read. Discuss it with a friend, or just talk aloud to yourself.
- Divide the material into smaller, more manageable chunks. Then take a break and reward yourself after each section.
- Read it twice. Reading something a second time will not only help you better understand what you’ve read but also help you pick up any information you missed the first time around.
- Make the content personal. Think about how it relates to your likes and dislikes and personal experiences.
Tools That Can Help
- Use audiobooks or have someone read to you. This approach is especially helpful for people who learn through listening or are easily overwhelmed when faced with a page full of text.
- Opt for a hard copy. Researchers have discovered that comprehension is better when reading a physical book versus an e-book.
- Use highlighter pens to underscore main points. This will keep you focused and help you recall the main points.
- Take notes while reading, then go back and summarize the main points.
- Use a bookmark or ruler to slide down the page as you read each line, so you don’t lose your place.
- Keep a pad of paper nearby. If you get distracted by internal thoughts, jot down the thought to remember it and get back to it at a later time. Once you have jotted the thought down, set it aside for later.
How to Create the Right Environment
- Adapt your environment. Figure out what works best for you: a quiet reading area or one with some background noise.
- Walk or pace around while you read. This strategy may help you avoid zoning out or focusing on internal distractions instead of the words on the page.
- Eliminate distractions. Is your phone on silent? Is the door closed? Are you hungry? Are you too cold or too hot? Think about and eliminate any distractions that might interfere with your reading.
- Read at the right time. If you’re feeling tired or fatigued, for example, it will be that much harder to focus and absorb what you read.
Frequently Asked Questions
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How can I read a book faster if I have ADHD?The speed at which you read a book can differ for many reasons, including how interested you are in the book that you’re reading. Strategies like using a bookmark or ruler to keep your place can help you focus on each line of text and get through the book with less distraction.
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How is reading different for adults with ADHD than from children with ADHD?Reading is a struggle for adults and children with ADHD alike. Many children with ADHD have difficulty with reading comprehension. At the same time, adults and kids with ADHD tend to lose interest, miss details and connections, lose track of where they are on the page, and become easily distracted.
Having a co-occurring reading disability, such as dyslexia, which can make it difficult to learn to read, spell, decode, and recognize words, is also common for both adults and children with ADHD.
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NEVER DO THIS AROUND GIRLS (Dating Tips For Guys)
Never Do This Around Girls (Dating Tips Every Guy Should Know) Want to make a great impression on girls? Then you NEED …
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What to Do When You Need Help
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Do you feel like you need help and don’t know where to turn? If you’ve hit the point of wanting to ask for help or the thought “Please help me” keeps running through your mind, it’s likely that you’ve hit some sort of crisis point in your life and don’t know how to deal with your situation.
If this is the situation you are in, know that there are steps you can take to get the help you need and to start feeling better.
Figure Out What You Are Feeling
The first step is to ask yourself exactly what you are experiencing in the moment. What feelings or thoughts are coming up that have left you feeling this way?
If you can get clear about the emotions you are experiencing, then it will be easier to explain to others what you are going through. In turn, this will make it easier for others to help you or give you direction.
“No one is a mind-reader,” explains Hannah Owens, LMSW. “While it might be outwardly clear to others that you are struggling, they can’t really help you unless they understand what you are struggling with.”
Here are some possible painful and challenging emotions that you might be experiencing that have left you feeling as though you need help from someone:
If you aren’t exactly sure what you are feeling, try writing in a journal about what’s going on that has left you feeling this way. Try not to overthink it and write as things come to you.
Keep writing until you dig deep enough to get at the emotions that you are experiencing or how you have been feeling about what’s going on. Once you have a better idea of your emotions, you’ll be able to describe them to someone else when you ask for help.
Consider What’s Wrong
Beyond being able to articulate the emotions that you are experiencing, it might also be helpful to describe to someone what has caused you to feel this way. While you might not always be aware of the reasons for how you are feeling, other times, there might be a clear trigger or situation that is causing your concern.
Some difficult situations that might cause you to feel like you need someone to help you include:
These are just some examples of things that might be causing you to feel as though you need help. If you haven’t already, take a moment to write down everything that is creating this feeling in your life.
Having a list of what’s wrong or what your feelings are will make it easier to focus on how you can start feeling better.
You could also rate each area of your life on a scale from 1 to 10 to see which are lowest for you and potentially causing you to feel as though you need help.
Hannah Owens, LMSW
It’s always best to be specific. Breaking down your challenges into bite-sized pieces makes them less daunting to tackle.
— Hannah Owens, LMSW
Where to Find Direction
Once you’ve identified the emotions you are experiencing and the potential triggers or causes contributing to them, you might wonder how to get help, advice, or direction.
While Googling your problems might be a good first step to finding answers or finding others who have been through something similar, there are many more options for reaching out for help.
Friends and Family
An obvious place to start is to tell a friend or family member about how you’ve been feeling. Just being able to vent your frustrations or get them out in the open might be enough for you to start feeling better.
If you do find that you are feeling better, make a point of talking to someone regularly so that you don’t keep feelings bottled up. Isolation can make negative emotions worse, so it’s best to avoid isolating yourself.
Listening Services
If you don’t have anyone close to you who will lend a listening ear, or you’re not ready to talk to anyone, you could consider using a listening service such as 7 Cups. While the listeners on the other end are not professionals, they are trained to listen and respond in a way that helps you to work through your frustrations and problems.
Crisis Lines and Help Lines
What if your situation is dire or urgent? In these cases, your first step should be to reach out to a crisis line or help line. In the United States, call 988 for free and confidential support if you are in distress or crisis. If you are experiencing a medical emergency then you should call 911 or your local emergency number.
Support Groups
Are you struggling with a problem for which there are support groups to help? If so, consider joining one of these groups to talk with others who have gone through the same things as you.
Being able to talk about your problems with others who understand will help you to feel less alone with your struggles.
Professional Help
In some situations, you may find that reaching out for professional help is appropriate. For example, if you are looking for help because of physical or psychological issues that aren’t related to an identifiable situational trigger, you might need the help of a professional to discern what is going on.
If you do have a diagnosable physical or mental health condition, receiving treatment in the form of therapy or medication could be the one thing you need to turn your situation around. If this is your situation, reaching out to your family doctor is usually the best first step.
Your doctor will ask questions about your symptoms, including their nature, duration, and severity. They may then make a referral to an appropriate specialist if needed.
Community Groups
If your need for help centers around a feeling of loneliness or not having anyone to talk to, joining a local community group could be helpful. For example, you could find a local club to join such as a book club or knitting club.
You could also attend a local church or volunteer with a non-profit organization. The key is to keep showing up and spending time around the same people; eventually, those people will start to feel more like friends.
Mentors, Teachers, or Religious Leaders
Another option for asking for help is to reach out to a religious leader, teacher, or other potential mentor whom you already know or with whom you already have a connection.
While it might feel awkward sharing your feelings, know that these individuals are in these positions because of their desire to help. At the very least, they can likely point you in the direction of where to receive more help for your specific concerns.
Introspection or Meditation
What if you are not ready to reach out for help? Or what if you feel as though you’d like to go it on your own a bit longer? This might mean practicing meditation, journaling about your feelings, or completing a self-help workbook.
This option is best suited to problems that are not urgent in nature. It’s also best if you have a good ability to think deeply about what’s troubling you and also a motivation to work on solutions.
How to Feel More at Ease
In addition to reaching out for help from others, you may want to consider coping strategies that you can use on your own when you’re feeling out of control.
While you can’t control what happens to you or your underlying propensity toward mental health issues, how you live your day-to-day life can have an impact on how you feel.
For example, if you react to anxious feelings, this often creates more anxiety than if you simply ride out the anxiety like a wave reaching shore.
Below are some ideas of actions that you can take or self-care strategies you can put into place to help prevent that feeling of being overwhelmed.
Take Time for Relaxation
If your need for help is combined with a feeling of anxiety and panic, then you’ll want to do things to help calm yourself down. Ideas include practicing deep breathing from your diaphragm, making yourself a cup of chamomile tea, and listening to a relaxation meditation recording.
Find Distraction & Enjoyment
Sometimes, when your mind has run away with the worst-case scenario, it can be helpful to distract yourself or do something you enjoy, if only to get some perspective or distance from what is bothering you.
Below are some ideas of things you could do as a distraction or for enjoyment. Obviously, you’ll want to choose activities that are enjoyable to you or that will help you to take your mind off your current situation.
- Watch an interesting television series or movie
- Read a fictional book set in a faraway place
- Meet up with friends at a new spot
- Play a game of badminton or another sport you enjoy
- Try your hand at a new form of painting
- Listen to some uplifting music
- Go for a walk to somewhere new
- Write a short story, poem, song, or novel
- Try your hand at drawing
Prioritize Healthy Habits
If you struggle with your mental health, one of the best things that you can do is to practice healthy habits. These are things that help both your physical and mental health, and help to regulate your brain chemistry to keep you feeling good. Below are some ideas for healthy habits that you could start to practice.
- Take a multivitamin or supplement (see your doctor to assess whether you are deficient).
- Get outside in nature (e.g., go for a walk; sunlight helps to provide Vitamin D and reduce the risk of depression).
- Get regular exercise to raise your endorphins and feel better (e.g., 30 minutes, three to four times a week).
- Stick to a regular sleep schedule and practice good sleep hygiene (e.g., no screen time one hour before bed, no devices in the bedroom).
- Eat a nutrient-dense diet.
Keep a Regular Schedule
If depression is causing you pain, then sticking to a regular schedule as much as possible will be helpful. This includes eating regular meals, showering regularly, being productive every day (whether that means going to work or some other task, no matter how small it may seem), and maintaining a sleep schedule.
Overcome Negative Self Talk
It can be tricky to decipher whether your situation is causing you pain or if your thoughts about your situation are the culprit. Often, it’s a combination of the two, but in many cases, your thoughts are the only thing you have control over.
Watching your self talk and monitoring it for negative thinking patterns can be a helpful self-help strategy for managing negative emotions.
For example, you might have a pattern of believing that because you experience a particular emotion, it must mean that there is something wrong or that you should feel a certain way. This is particularly true if you live with a mental health condition like depression or anxiety that can cloud your judgment and make it hard to see beyond your anxious or depressive thoughts.
Remember That Thoughts Are Not Facts
One thing to remember is that your thoughts are not necessarily accurate and they do not define who you are or how you choose to react. You can, in fact, choose to view your thoughts as products of your mind that you, as a detective, can be curious about and ask questions about.
This means doing a bit of work such as writing down your thoughts when you notice that you are having a negative emotional reaction, looking for distortions in your thoughts, and reframing the situation using more realistic thinking patterns.
While this can take some time to do, over time and with practice, it will become easier and feel more natural to catch your negative thoughts and replace them quickly.
Express Your Feelings
Another self-help strategy that can be helpful if you struggle with a lot of negative emotions is to find a way to express or release your negative emotions, such as sadness or anger. Creative pursuits such as playing an instrument, painting, or writing poetry can be one way to let out sadness. In the case of anger, more physical pursuits such as sports or exercise may be effective for releasing adrenaline and pent-up feelings.
Practice Gratitude
It can be easy to slip into the feeling of never having enough in your life, particularly if you are struggling with problems that are weighing you down. However, learning how to practice daily gratitude will go a long way toward making you more appreciative of what you do have that’s good. This type of practice will serve you well even when you no longer feel as though you are drowning.
How can you incorporate gratitude into your daily life? Here are a few ideas:
- At the end of each day, write down three things that you are grateful for. Go into detail and write some of the reasons you are grateful for them. You can also write about three things that went well that day.
- Before bed each night, imagine waking up the next day with only the things that you were grateful for the night before. Watch how this causes you to quickly run through a “gratitude rampage” where you list everything that you would not want to live without.
- Each morning when you wake up, ask the universe (or whatever spiritual body you believe in), “Show me how it gets better.” Then, your job throughout the day is to be on the lookout for how things are getting better.
Choose Acceptance
Another way to move beyond your problems is to accept them fully. This doesn’t mean that you accept your circumstances or that you don’t try to solve problems.
Rather, it means that you accept and acknowledge whatever problems you are facing, but understand that they do not define who you are or what you can accomplish.
Be Mindful
Are you struggling with staying in the moment or being mindful when you feel as though you need help? Practicing mindfulness exercises such as imagining your thoughts as leaves floating down the river can help.
In general, stopping several times a day to be really present in the moment instead of thinking about the future or the past will help you to be more mindful.
Optimize Your Physical Environment
Often, your physical environment will be a reflection of how you are feeling on the inside. However, you can also work backward and clean up your physical environment so that it starts to make you feel better.
This might be easier said than done if you are struggling with a mental health condition like depression. However, just doing a little bit each day can add up to bigger changes than you might expect.
Get a New Perspective
Sometimes, the thing you need most is a change of scenery or a change of perspective. While this might not always be possible, if you can, try to change something in your life to give yourself a break or see things in a different light.
Below are some potential ideas on how to change things up or get some perspective.
- Ask for a leave of absence from work
- Take a class to learn something new
- Go somewhere you’ve never gone before
- Make new friends or expand your social circle
- Move to a new place or take a vacation
- Dress differently than you normally would
Make New Connections
Finally, if you are truly struggling and feeling like you need help, it’s likely that you are in need of more social connection. This could also mean that you need more physical connection. If you don’t have a significant other in your life, even having a pet like a dog or cat to keep you company and snuggle with at night could make a difference.
Oxytocin is released when you bond with someone (or even a pet) that you love. This hormone helps you to feel calm, secure, and connected to others.
If you do have people in your life but haven’t connected with them in a while, a simple hug could go a long way to making you feel better. And if distance or other obstacles prevent this from happening, you can get the same effect by sending them a gift.
When to Seek Help
Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you experience any of the following:
- Depression symptoms (including low mood, loss of interest, fatigue, and feelings of worthlessness) that last longer than two weeks
- Changes in your sleep, appetite, or activity levels
- Mental health symptoms that interfere with your ability to function normally in your daily life
- Psychological distress that makes it difficult to cope or function
- Reliance on unhealthy coping skills to manage stress
- Emotional symptoms or behaviors that disrupt healthy relationships
- Self-harming behaviors
- Suicidal thoughts or behaviors
Treatment Options
If you decide that you need professional help to manage your symptoms, there are a number of different options available. The right intervention depends on factors such as your specific diagnosis and the nature and severity of your symptoms. In many cases, your doctor or therapist may recommend psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of the two.
Psychotherapy
There are many different types of therapy, and the approach that is right for you may depend on the symptoms you are experiencing. Some types of therapy you might consider include:
Medication
Medications may also be prescribed to help you cope with specific symptoms, such as anxiety or depression. Some of the most commonly prescribed psychiatric medications include:
In most cases, help is available on an outpatient basis. If your symptoms are severe or pose a risk to your well-being, hospitalization is also an option.
Takeaways
No matter how bad you are feeling right now, know that you are not alone and that millions of other people are feeling the same way. It’s not unusual to sometimes feel as though you need help. And, it’s important not to ignore that feeling in the hopes that it will go away.
Taking action, even if that means making an appointment with your doctor, calling a friend, or going for a walk, will help you to start feeling as though you have the power to make change. Because in the end, it’s only through you taking action that things will change.
For this reason, it’s your job to look for solutions. At the same time, those solutions often mean asking for help from others. Start with the smallest step, and see if you can’t find the help that you need once you get clear on what’s wrong, why you are feeling the way that you’re feeling, and what you are hoping to change. Once you take that first step, you’ll likely find that it’s easier to take the next steps after that toward feeling better.
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The Physical Touch Love Language Explained
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There are many ways to show love to your partner through physical touch. You might hold their hand during a difficult moment, hug them after a long day, or squeeze their hand when they are feeling stressed.
Physical touch is just one of Gary Chapman’s five love languages, described in his book “The 5 Love Languages.” This love language involves showing affection through physical touch, including kissing, hugging, cuddling, or other gentle forms of physical contact. It can be a way to communicate love, comfort, and connection.
The others are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gift giving/receiving. All five are important, but since we all give and receive love differently, it’s important to know how you and your partner prefer to express your appreciation.
Take the Quiz to Identify Your Love Language
This fast, free quiz will help you determine your love language:
This love languages quiz was medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.
Understand Physical Touch as a Love Language
Affectionate touch can powerfully impact relationships. One study found that people strongly associate affectionate touch behaviors with love. If your love language is physical touch, then that means you prefer physical expressions of love over all other expressions (such as verbal compliments or gifts).
Note that physical touch as a love language is not all about sex, although sex can be an important aspect of a romantic relationship. A hug, a shoulder squeeze, a handhold, even a pat on the back, can be an expression of love that is just as meaningful to your partner.
Research has found that romantic physical touch is strongly linked to both relationship and partner satisfaction.
If you’re in a non-sexual relationship or if you’re unable to have sex with your partner for some reason (long-distance, postpartum, PTSD), don’t worry. We explore easy ways to give and receive physical touch, no matter where you are (physically or mentally) with your partner. This may seem self-explanatory, but both intimate and non-intimate touches can and should be used to show your partner love.
It’s important to note that while love languages are popular and resonate with many, there’s little research supporting the idea that people have a single preferred love language. Instead, evidence suggests that *all* of these ‘love languages’ are important components of relationships.
Show Love Through Intimate Touch
Sexual expressions of love are used in most romantic relationships, but what if you live 100+ miles away from your partner? What if you and your partner are waiting to have sex? What if you’re not a touchy person? What if sexual intimacy is mentally challenging for you?
Learning to express your love through intimate touch is possible, even if you’re not having sex with your partner.
Despite what you may have learned about romantic love, sex isn’t everything in a relationship. It’s important, yes, but it isn’t the only physical expression of love.
“Physical touch, specifically cuddling, releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone that makes you feel like nothing can hurt you,” says Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and relationship coach. “In addition to the bonding [cuddling] creates between the couple, it also helps boost your immune system.”
Here are different ways to show intimate love through physical touch:
Kissing
You may feel like kissing has to lead to sex, but it doesn’t. Kissing is one of the easiest, most effective ways to show physical love to your partner. You can kiss their lips, their neck, their cheek, their forehead, their hand.
In many cultures and throughout history, kissing is or has been shown as an act of respect, greeting, or affection. Kissing is used in all different types of relationships, romantic and non-romantic, and should be prioritized.
Holding Hands
Who doesn’t love seeing a couple walking hand-in-hand down the street? Holding hands with your partner, in public or in private, is an easy gesture that can immediately release mood-boosting endorphins.
Parents often hold their child’s hand for protective reasons, but also for physical connectedness. It is one of the best ways to show physical love to your partner.
Cuddling
Do you cuddle with your partner when you’re watching a movie? When you’re laying in bed? If you don’t, you should. Physically wrapping yourself around your partner can bring you closer together, physically and emotionally. Your partner may prefer being the “big” or “little” spoon, but try swapping roles or facing each other and seeing how that feels.
Skin-to-Skin Touching
Touching can be sexual, but it can also be non-sexual and still intimate. Dragging your fingertips across your partner’s back or neck can be an intimate expression of love. Touching your partner’s hair, holding the back of their neck, or even touching their bare leg can be an expressive way of telling your partner you’re there for them, you’re physically attracted to them, and/or you’re in love with them.
One of the benefits of being in a relationship with someone whose love language is physical touch is that you can express love without having to say a word or buy a gift. Physical touch is one of the easiest ways to be intimate with your partner, and even though it is physical, it can create emotional intimacy.
Show Love Through Non-Intimate Touch
Physically touching your partner is one of the best ways to build a bridge and increase feelings of connectedness. When your partner gets home from work, you might kiss them or hug them, which can immediately release some of that day’s tension. These are simple but meaningful gestures.
Some non-intimate touches can lead to intimacy, but can be a great alternative for couples who are looking for ways to express non-sexual love through physical touch:
Rubbing Your Partner’s Back
When a friend is dealing with a difficult or upsetting situation, touching them is a normal reaction, and this form of touch can be just as effective in a romantic partnership. Rubbing your partner’s back, or massaging them, can signal to them that you’re there for them and that you love them. You can also rub their arm, their hand, or another part of the body. Just make sure you’re communicating with your partner and making sure they are comfortable with it.
Sitting Side-by-Side
Sitting close enough to be touching your partner is an easy way to signal that you love them. Maybe you’re out to dinner or maybe you’re at an event and you want to show your partner love, but don’t feel comfortable kissing them or holding their hand. Sitting with your hips or feet touching is a non-verbal way of connecting with your partner.
Tickling
Some individuals may not like to be tickled, but tickling is a physical expression of love. Not sure if your partner likes this? All you have to do is ask. Communication is an integral aspect of any successful relationship, even if your love language is physical touch.
Notice when you argue or disagree with your partner, you often move physically away from them. It’s not always easy to break the tension following an argument, but often the best way to reconnect is to close that physical distance and touch your partner.
You’ve probably heard of the phrase “makeup sex.” Reconnecting physically with your partner can signal that the argument is over and that you’ve both moved on. However, not all couples want to be sexually intimate following a fight. Hugging, kissing, or even holding hands can be just as meaningful.
Physical Touch in Long-Distance Relationships
If you’re long distance, cuddling, kissing, and holding hands isn’t an option, but video chats have made it possible to be together when you’re not actually together.
Body language is just as expressive as verbal language, so if your love language is physical touch, then body language can be just as important.
When you’re on video chat with your partner, make sure you’re giving them your undivided attention. Move to a quiet space. Turn off your TV. Make eye contact, and use inviting body language to show that you’re physically with them.
Silva recommends planning a video date. Set up a date and time as you would if you were in the same place, and do everything you would if you weren’t long-distance. This could mean getting dressed up, setting up candlelight, and preparing wine or champagne. Do what you would normally do, but with video instead.
Other ways to show physical touch from a distance
- Blow each other kisses
- Send them gifts that physically remind them of you (such as a sweatshirt of yours, a stuffed animal, or a sachet of your perfume or cologne)
- Talk about physically touching each other
It may not be the same as the real thing, but our imaginations can be a powerful tool that long-distance couples should utilize.
How to Know if Physical Touch Is Their Love Language
Research has shown that responding to your partner’s preferred love language has a positive impact on relationship satisfaction. Studies have also shown that how a person responds to physical touch depends on their perceptions. People who believe that touch is pleasant are more likely to prefer this type of attention. But how do you know what your partner’s love language is?
People tend to express affection in the way to which they themselves respond. If your partner consistently shows love through physical touch as described here, chances are good that this is their love language.
Given the importance of communication in your relationship, however, the best way to discover your partner’s love language is to talk about it. Explore the five love languages together and see if physical touch resonates with your partner.
Takeaways
Romantic relationships often require physical touch to thrive, but sex isn’t the only way to show your partner how much you love them. You can wrap your arms around their waist in the kitchen or hold their hand while watching a movie together or kiss their cheek in the morning before work. Sometimes the simplest acts of love are the most impactful, especially when it comes to physical touch.
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