A Beginner’s Guide to Safe and Consensual Kinky Sex

BDSM is a common sexual practice and fantasy, but getting started can feel a bit intimidating if you’re a beginner. Learning how to engage in BDSM involves exploring what it involves, the different roles and types of play, and how to enjoy it safely. Whether you fantasize or participate, remember that mutual consent is a key element of a mutually satisfying, safe experience.

BDSM Basics

For many people, the acronym “BDSM” conjures up images of secret sex dungeons with whips and leather restraining devices lining the walls. There’s an implied deviance in this form of kink, but that’s not an accurate representation of the practice at all.

Most of the time, BDSM is a highly intentional, safe, caring, and consensual variety of sex acts that allow individuals to expand the boundaries of their sexuality. It can be as intense as being strapped into a medieval wooden contraption, sure, but more often it can be as simple as light spanking or a blindfold.

To simplify, BDSM stands for:

• Bondage: physically restraining a partner during sex, such as with handcuffs, cords, or some other material or method
• Dominance: exerting power or control over a partner during a sexual experience
• Submission: being dominated during sex, or willingly submitting to the power or control of a sexual partner
• Sadomasochism: consensually inflicting or receiving physical pain or humiliation

BDSM usually involves partners taking on specific roles in which one is dominant and the other is submissive. The dominant person is sometimes referred to as the Dominant, Master, or Top. The submissive person is called the Submissive, Slave, or Bottom.

How to Get Started

If you are interested in giving BDSM a try, there are a number of light BDSM practices that can be a good starting point for beginners. This includes such things as:

• Hair pulling
• Blindfolds
• Light spanking
• Scarf or tie bondage
• Roleplaying

For more intense forms of erotic play, you could take a class, read a book, or watch instructional videos. Some practices can be dangerous and lead to injury without taking proper precautions. And, as previously mentioned, BDSM activities need to be carefully pre-negotiated so that each party understands what will happen.

Tips for Practicing BDSM

The world of BDSM has its own distinct subcultures and terminology. It can be intimidating for beginners, but there are some tips and tricks that may help you explore.

• Remember that communication is critical. Before you even begin, you need to talk about your interests and boundaries. If you are engaging in something as part of a BDSM scene, it needs to be something that each partner has talked about—and agreed to—beforehand.
• Start slowly. Light BDSM practices are a good starting point for figuring out what you like and what you are comfortable with. Roleplaying sexy scenes or engaging in dirty talk, for example, can help you explore your fantasies.
• Set the scene. Engage all your senses when setting up a BDSM scene. Mood lighting, scented candles, soft music, and erotic clothing can all help create the right mood for your BDSM play.
• Have a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it. BDSM should be fun for everyone involved. So, if something isn’t working for you or is too much for you to handle, there’s no shame in saying so and trying something else. A safe word is an agreed-upon term that indicates that you want to stop engaging in the current BDSM interaction.

Different Types of BDSM You Might Explore

Types of play that fall under the BDSM umbrella include:

• Age play: Pretending to be a different age than you are, whether younger or older
• Breath play: Controlling breath during the sexual experience, such as by holding your breath or through light choking
• Edge play: Engaging in activities that push the “edge” of SSC
• Gender play: Pretending to be a different gender than you are
• Impact play: Striking the body with the hand or with an object such as a whip or cane
• Role play: Assuming a different identity during a sexual experience

Some people who practice BDSM engage in play parties, social gatherings involving BDSM activities.

Common Terms You Should Know

Before learning about BDSM safety and benefits, get to know a few common terms:

• Aftercare: mental and physical care you offer your partner after BDSM
• Drop: mental or physical exhaustion after BDSM
• Dungeon: the location of BDSM
• Fetish: a type of sexual preference for a body part, object, or specific experience
• Hard limit: what a partner absolutely will not do during BDSM
• Kink: any sexual practice that is non-conventional
• Munch: an often public party where people interested in BDSM can meet
• Protocol: the agreed-upon rules for BDSM partners
• Scene: the BDSM encounter
• Soft limit: a behavior or action that a partner is hesitant to do but might be open to trying
• Switch: to swap dominant and submissive positions during BDSM

How to Enjoy BDSM Play Safely

Because BDSM can involve pain, humiliation, dominance, submission, and other elements that can make partners vulnerable to mistreatment, it requires strict safety precautions. This helps ensure that neither party’s sexual boundaries are violated.

Make sure you know how to use any clothing, gear, or toys you plan to try safely. Bondage and pain play, for example, can cause injury if you aren’t careful or don’t use the equipment properly.

If you do decide to engage in BDSM, implement the following practices.

• Consent: Consent from both parties is critical when engaging in BDSM practices. Implied consent isn’t enough. If you think that your partner agrees to participate in these activities and they don’t, you could potentially be charged with sexual assault. Ensure consent by talking with your partner about what you both enjoy sexually, including limits or boundaries. This helps ensure that you both have a positive experience within your individual comfort zones.
• Pre-sex negotiations: Before engaging in a BDSM scene, talk with your partner about what you will and won’t do. Decide who will be dominant and who will be submissive, or if you will switch, and what type of play you will engage in. By negotiating this in advance, you’ll both know what to expect during the experience.
• Safe words: A safe word is a predetermined word that a person can use when they reach a point where they are no longer comfortable and need to stop. Set your safe word in advance and share it with your partner. If either of you says your safe word during BDSM, all actions are to end immediately.
• Green-yellow-red system: Some BDSM partners choose to follow a green-yellow-red system. Just like with a traffic light, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. Using this type of system allows you to communicate with your partner during BDSM, letting them know if you’re okay with the actions taking place or if they need to slow down or stop.
• Avoid high-risk practices: It’s important to note that while choking is an emerging sexual behavior, research suggests that it carries significant health risks. Research has found that multiple experiences of choking/strangulation is linked to neuroinflammation. Other research suggests it contributes to an elevated risk for stroke among women under the age of 40.

Mental Health Benefits of BDSM

Studies devoted to understanding BDSM and its effects on the body have shown surprising results. Researchers have found that these practices may offer a number of health benefits.

For example, researchers looking at personality traits and relationship attachment styles found that the individuals who engaged in BDSM had better overall well-being.

People who engage in BDSM:

Studies suggest that people who participate in BDSM practices tend to be less neurotic, less sensitive to rejection, more open, and more securely attached to their loved ones.

Reduced Stress

Research has found that BDSM participants enter an altered level of consciousness similar to the meditative state yoga practitioners experience or the marathoner’s “runner’s high.” It is commonly known these activities can benefit health by helping lower our levels of the hormone cortisol. Participation in BDSM may have the same effects.

For example, one series of studies found that partners in dominant roles had decreased cortisol levels after a BDSM session. Cortisol is known as the “stress hormone” and may be associated with a range of health issues including high blood pressure, suppressed immunity, and insulin resistance.

Better Relationships

Researchers have also determined that participating in successful sadomasochistic scenes increases the feeling of connectedness and intimacy with partners. While the exact reasons for this are not entirely clear, research has shown that doing novel things with romantic partners, rather than the same routine activities, increases intimacy.

This has been supported by looking at how the brain responds when doing something new. Engaging in novel activities with your partner can activate the brain’s reward system. Research suggests that even couple’s who have been together for a long time experience increased levels of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals when they participate in exciting, new activities togeter.

BDSM in the Media

Mainstream culture often represents BDSM as reckless, dangerous, and unhealthy. Take Fifty Shades of Grey, for instance. Christian Grey’s reasons for enjoying kink stems from his childhood abuse. Television crime dramas often portray fetishists as seedy, unethical lawbreakers. It isn’t just the media that frames BDSM this way.

Prior to the release of the fifth edition of the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” in 2013, participation in fetishism and sadomasochism was actually considered a mental disorder by health professionals. Attitudes about kinky sex have shifted. Pop culture didn’t make kink the latest fad, however. Humans have always had a penchant for adventurous sex.

• A 2020 review found that 20% of people reported engaging in BDSM.
• Another study found that 26% of participants reported being interested in BDSM.
• Research also suggests that between 40% and 70% of people report having BDSM-related fantasies.

We may not be having kinky sex much more than we always have, but we’re certainly talking about it more. While BDSM practices still face stigma and misconceptions, research has shown that these sexual practices are not linked to psychopathology. Instead, they represent a broadening of sexual interests and not a type of sexual fixation.