Here’s How to Spot Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Friends

Passive-aggressive behavior can make friendship confusing. One second, you’re clinking glasses of espresso martinis over gossip. The next you’re exchanging clipped text messages and what you think might be slight barbs. You’re wondering if they really did forget to invite you to their birthday dinner and why their voice always tends to go monotone when you share good news. 

It is easy to notice when a stranger causes offense, but when a prickly comment comes wrapped in a smile, it’s a bit harder to uncover. But that’s where we come in. We’ve rounded up some tips to help you spot the passive-aggression in your circle and figure out if it’s worth dealing with. 

What Is Passive-Aggression? 

In Layeman’s terms, passive-aggression is indirect hostility and the omission of open communication. It’s snide comments, ugly looks, and the silent treatment.

Someone neglecting to tell you about the upcoming girls’ trip or a group brunch date might be displaying passive-aggression towards you. Their refusal to directly engage with what’s bothering them leads to harmful behavior. Even when the method is subtle, being on the receiving end of passive-aggression hurts. 

Dr. Brook Choulet, MD, describes engaging with a passive-aggressive person as, “when you’re walking away from an interaction with a friend, and you feel your energy draining.” You notice it when you observe “your glass was half empty rather than half full after an interaction.” 

Passive-Aggression and What It Says About Your Friendship(s)

Small slips of a sharp tongue can indicate what someone really thinks about your connection in a split instant. But since you’re not prepared for unkindness from a friend, it can leave you so confused you’re tempted to question your reaction to the sting. 

Backhanded compliments often have this effect. Someone might tell you they love that dress on you, and they could never be brave enough to wear sequins at your size. “It seems like a compliment maybe on the surface, but it actually has a kind of a negative undertone to it,” says Dr. Brook. 

What’s The Difference Between Passive-Aggression and Miscommunication? 

The biggest difference between passive-aggression and miscommunication is intention. “Miscommunication is accidental and it happens when you aren’t able to express what you really mean or the person you are talking to misunderstands what you were trying to say,” says Hannah Owens, licensed clinical social worker and Verywell Mind editor.

Passive-aggressive, on the other hand, is “usually intentional, or at least, avoiding talking about your problems is intentional,” she notes. “Sometimes, a person has learned passive-aggressive behavior from their family and has internalized it, so they might not be aware that they are doing it.”

You can usually tell one’s intention by their tone. If their tone seems genuine, then their intention typically reflects that. A person engaging in passive-aggression behaviors, however, will have a frustrated or slightly exasperated voice.

And if you can’t gauge someone’s tone or intention, ask them questions. Dr. Brook recommends the following:

• What’s the intention behind it?
• Is the intention to be supportive, or is the intent to harm?

What Are Some Passive-Aggressive Red Flags? 

There are ~many~ passive-aggressive behaviors from ghosting to constant excuses. Here are some of the most common:

Inconsistent Communication

It’s the sign of all signs. When their words don’t match their actions, chances are they’re being passive-aggressive.

For example, if they invite you to join them at the last minute, accept your invitation but show up egregiously late, or accidentally forget to text you an address, they might be engaging in what Dr. Brook labels “subtle sabotage.” 

“It might seem like they’re on board with that idea, but then they’re acting in a way to undermine it and making last-minute switches,” she adds. Inconsistent communication can also look like saying there isn’t a conflict but then leaving anonymous notes around the home or office indicating there’s an issue.

In essence, it’s “refusing to talk about what’s bothering them (even if you ask directly) but continuing to give you the cold shoulder or punish you for what they think you are doing wrong,” says Owens.

Going Along to Get Along

Someone might say they’re okay with you choosing to watch part two of “Emily In Paris” instead of going out, but their actions might indicate otherwise. Instead of communicating their feelings, they’ll shut down and start displaying passive-aggressive behaviors like talking in a droll tone or procrastinating. They might even make snarky comments under their breath.

“Some people will take the road of agreement just to avoid the conflict,” licensed therapist and wellness coach Shavon Terrel Camper says. “But they have this other undertone of, like, I don’t want to be here, and I don’t want to be doing this.” 

The Use of Unkind “Jokes” 

Pay attention to digs that come covered in giggles. When your friend throws out a sneak diss in the form of a joke, “they’re expressing anger and resentment in ways that are massed by humor,” Dr. Brook says. She calls this behavior “veiled hostility.” 

Their Face Is Unfriendly 

Sudden shifts in behavior can indicate passive-aggressiveness from a friend. Sometimes, this behavior isn’t borderline rude comments or heaps of poorly timed sarcasm but microexpressions.

“There are non-verbal cues to it,” Camper says. “They may smile, but it’s like it’s not a real smile; it’s just a cover-up smile.” 

Are All Types Of Passive-Aggression Equal? 

Research shows that, while passive-aggression is a personality trait, it’s not an automatic mode for everyone. Some people are used to passive-aggressive behaviors because of how they grew up.

Then, there are others who are acting passive-aggressively because of circumstances. For example, if you and your friend have a typically stable relationship with no conflict but suddenly, they’re displaying passive-aggressive behaviors, something deeper might be going on, Dr. Cook says.

“Context is really important,” she adds. Your friend might be acting out because “they have a big stressor in their life.” This can include major life changes like switching jobs, getting divorced, planning a wedding, having a child, or relocating. Consider their situations before confronting them, as it could indicate their intentions.

When Is Passive-Aggression Worth Confronting? 

If you value a relationship deeply, it can be worth confronting one’s passive-aggressive behavior in a positive manner. But only if it’s safe to do so. “It’s better to try to get things out in the open and talk about your problems rather than continuing to put up with (or to perpetuate) passive-aggression,” Owens explains.

How Can You Positively Confront Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Talking to a passive-aggressive person can be a huge headache. No one wants to hear ”I’m fine” repeatedly when everyone knows they’re! not! fine! Frustrating, right? But there are tips that make confronting your PA friend *much* easier—here are a few:

• Speak for yourself: Dr. Brook recommends using “I” statements to call out the behavior. Speak to your experiences. “I always tell people to focus on themselves and not place blame on the other person,” she says. 
• Get to the root of the issue: Research shows that uncovering the origin of their hostility can help alleviate any resentment or underlying feelings. “Tell the person how their behavior is making you feel, and say that you want to work together to solve the problem,” Owens says. “If the other person still insists on being passive-aggressive rather than tackling things head-on with you, every time they do something passive-aggressive, point it out and offer to talk about it with them.”
• Avoid matching their energy: When somebody starts “acting funny,” it’s human nature to want to be hilarious in return but going tit for tat is not a strong strategy. Do not whisper to your mutual friends about the shift in their demeanor. Take it to them directly. 
• Consider cutting your losses:  When someone is being passive-aggressive and they have no desire to shift the way they interact with you, it’s hurtful and disappointing. You can not control them, though. You need to control the way you deal with them. That might mean walking away. 

Bottom Line

Ultimately, dealing with a passive passive-aggressive friend can be super frustrating. Countlessly asking “what’s wrong” only to receive the same “I’m fine” response, when both parties know there’s nothing “fine” about the situation. But with these therapist-approved tips—using “I” statements and getting to the root of the issue—you can deal with this communication mishap effectively and maybe save your friendship in the long run.